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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

JIVE TURKEY

As Thanksgiving approaches, many of you may be considering impressing your signifigant other by cooking the bird. I applaud your motives, and I will provide you with some tips, ideas, and insights into making it a success.

Brine the bitch. Soak that fucker in saltwater. This is a good way to defrost it as well.

Sausage in your stuffing. I like peppers too, but I'm a freak of nature. Remember, the stuffing goes inside the bird where the bag o guts was.

Dogs and cats love the bag o guts. Boiled or fried, they'll love you for it.

Turnips in your tater mash. About 1 turnip per 4 taters, just boil 'em up, as you do.

Making cranberry sauce instead of using the canned product is always nice, but I like to do both. There's always some freak who just likes the canned better.

Drink heavily - all day long.

I'll be in the Carribean - don't call me.

Comments:
I happen to like the canned cranberry sauce FAR more than the "real" stuff.

The way it falls from the can - FRRRUMPFT!

Incidentally, cranberries are grown all over New England, and were first introduced to European settlers by Native Americans, who used them for food, dye, and medicine.

Today, cranberries, blueberries, and concord grapes are the only commercially grown fruits native to the continent.

They grow in "bogs," and cranberry plants can grow indefinitely.

Sounds like something I'd love to stick in a can...
 
The can stuff rocks!!! I like the dog food like shape it adhears to as well.
 
The cranberries don't actually grow in the bogs. Sorry to sound like a teacher, but this is a misconception I lived my whole life with until recently. I could never understand how a berry could grow underwater. The way I understand it is, they grow on bushes just like other berries and then the place where they grow is flooded in order to facilitate the harvest. The berries get bloated and fall off and are easily scooped up by a boat with some sort of sweeping arm. Apparently, you can do this with virtually everything that grows that way so I have no idea why we do this with cranberries and nothing else. It's a curious berry. I had no idea that cranberry plants could grow indefinitely. What exactly does that mean? I know that juniper trees (which are responsible for the berry that puts the angel on one of your shoulders, and the devil on the other...in other words it makes gin) can grow for 2 thousand years! Did we blog about cranberries before? I feel like I'm repeating myself. I do that a lot.

I also prefer the fake cranberry sauce, which I'm pretty sure is grown in the can. I think it provides some sense-memory connection for us that puts us all in a happy place - before you get too drunk, argue with your brother, yell at your mother and then feel guilty about it. The real sauce just can't bring you there, it makes you feel pretentious. Thanksgiving is just not Thanksgiving without the canned cranberry sauce and the greenbean casserole.
 
When my brother got married and moved to Alabama (shudder), the rest of us in the family finally confessed that we freakin' hate turkey. So we have duck on Thanksgiving.

As a native New Yorker, I am not actually going anywhere for Thanksgiving. Who else is around that weekend?
 
I'll be on a Carnival Cruise Liner steering clear of the buffet - heading straight for something in a bottle.
 
Jackson the Pirate living large... Perhaps your could put it all on red at the tables and see if you can’t win enough for that Distressor.

I'm sure I'll catch hell from Clarkie for say so in this particular way, but I evoked the George H. Bush anti-broccoli stance with turkey about three years ago (re: "I don't like broccoli, I’m a grown man and president of the United States and I don’t have to eat it if I don’t want to”). I figured that even at my ripe old age, being married and just having had a kid, I was ready to tell my mom & mom-in-law that I don’t like turkey and that I would not eat it at Thanksgiving anymore. Further, since it was my families turn to host T-day dinner that year, I would be grilling myself a big ‘ol steak instead. It was painful, the table fell silent as I brought that first marvel of a hunk of meat to the table, but I’m now permitted to cook/bring a steak to eat for Thanksgiving.

So, don’t let the man, the GOP, or your mom keep you down. Stand up for your rights and say no to turkey if it suits you.

“…before you get too drunk, argue with your brother, yell at your mother and then feel guilty about it.”

Clarkie, Have you had T-day at our place before?
 
Perhaps y'all should give the "turducken," a chimerical creature, a whirl. Or deep fried turkey. You can't go wrong when you hurl the mother into a vat of scorching cooking oil. I'd imagine that would improve just about anything - try it with an old shoe. But gosh darn it, if you want a steak, then by all means, have yourself a steak. Me, I'm just fine with turkey. In fact, I'm a bit like the father in A Christmas Story when it comes to Turkey. I walk around mumbling about it all afternoon.
 
At the first Thanksgiving, they served lobster. Now there's a thought. A little surf and turf for Tony Alva?
 
I moved down here to Atlanta 15 years ago and have never had a fried turkey. I know it's gotta be good and would be willing to forgo my steak to try it if the opportunity arises. Misanthrope will love this since he has kin down here in the south, but the local news reports on the day after Thanksgiving always lead with some redneck getting scalded from frying a turkey mostly cause they're drunk when doing the initial dip.

Darwin awards kinda stuff...
 
My big question: What do you do with all the leftover oil?
 
the vegetables?
 
"My big question: What do you do with all the leftover oil?"

We all burn it in our bio-diesel automobiles. We're very ecosensitive down here.

Impeach Bush!!!
 
I don't favor impeachment, there's nobody in line to succeed that wouldn't be worse. It's all about 98.
 
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